Always watching...

My father has always been known, amongst us kids, to always be watching us.  Not watching OUT for us but watching us.  He was notorious for keeping track of mileage, driving by businesses to make sure the kids were where they were supposed to be, going through our things, etc.  But it wasn't always his family he was watching.  Sundays were devoted to his drives, where we would spend hours whilehe just drove around.  Usually it was to check up on someone.  It was weird but we didn't know any better so it was normal to us. 

Fast forward to after the divorce.  My mom and I had moved down to Scottsdale, Arizona.  He claims he knew nothing about it, which seems like such a joke.  Soooo many times I have heard him say he knew nothing about it, to things that he would have had to been in a coma not to have known or noticed.  Anyway, we were staying at the Holiday Inn while looking for a place to actually move into.  One day at the pool, my mom says to me, "That looks just like your father over there."  I looked and in fact there was a man who sat in the exact way my father did.  The body did look like his but this man had a full beard and mustache.  I told her she was crazy and went about my day at the pool.  Another night, I was going for a swim before bed and that same man was sitting in the pool.  I remember feeling uncomfortable, like he was watching me.  But then my mom and I got involved in a conversation with others and my attention was diverted.  Another morning we woke up to find a book with rental areas marked outside our door.  We thought maybe it had been our waitress that we saw it each morning in the dining area but when asked she shook her head.  Looking back I seehow creepy it was.  My poor mother, how frightening would that be.  Of course, he ended up admitting to it in theheat of an argument to my mom.  Luckily in front of her parents so he couldn't try and paint her as a crazy liar.  Not sure what she ever did regarding that.  If she called the police or lawyers.  Nothing that I knew ever happened as a result of it.  But years later when I brought it up in an argument he got very quiet.  A couple months later he brought it up to me.  There was an elaborate story of how mom had taken me without his knowing it, and when he received a Father's Day card from me, he had seen the post mark and jumped on a plane and just coincidently ended up at the same hotel.    He denied ever wearing a beard or disguising himself in anyway.  Had my mother not pointed him out to me, I would have given him the benefit of the doubt but I can still see him sitting at the pool.  what my mind did not want to see and accept then, it does with sadness now.

I remember another time visiting my dad.  I was still quite young, maybe 11 or 12.  I didn't want to be with him and I wasn't being the good daughter I was suppose to be.  I don't remember the specifics of why but I know I had gotten my period and it was still all new to me. I was crampy, emotional and probably needed some sort of sanitary napkin.   I remember my dad taking me to the his business and telling me I could make a call to my mom in his office.  He left me and went and sat in one of the cubicles in the outer office.  afterwards we went back to his condo.  he dropped me off and said he had to run some errands.  later that night, I was laying bed thinking about the call and my dad being in the cubicle.  it just sort of hit me, he had been in the cubicle where the answering machine had been.  he had been listening, or the thought popped up that he had recorded it.  I thought of him running errands afterwards, and I realized that he had a tape player in the car.  I got up and snuck down to the garage, sure enough the tape was in the cassette player and it was the conversation with my mom.  I snuck back into the condo and went to bed knowing that he invaded my space.  I never confronted him.  Why, I don't know but I just remember sensing a fear of calling him out.  I was young and didn't have the presence of mind to address that sort of thing. 

Over the years, I have witnessed different things.  they will pop into mind here and there.  Things he would secretly do behind peoples back to get them into a corner for attack.  I didn't trust him.  for years, I wondered if he had cameras in the house in the return vents.  I would always turn my back to them when changing andchose my words wisely when talking with friends, I felt like that in to adulthood.  Technology being the way it was he could easily have done it.  I remember my second brother telling me he saw something in my dad's van that made him think it was listening to his conversations with me on his cell.  he never looked further into it but it wouldn't have surprised me if my dad had.  he was weird like that. 

I learned to be very careful with what I said, how it was said, I never wrote anything in a diary that could be used against me or give him notice.  I kept things inside and let them feed my insecurities and sense of safety.  Even in writing this and starting this site, I hold fear that he will find it and use any of my insecurities to some how do more damage.  He has been out of my life for five years and I still think he is watching me.  Shane said one time that he thought he saw him drive by the house.  If he had, it doesn't surprise me.  I just work at telling myself that I live a good life and there is nothing to fear. but I still give pause when I see a car around my house with someone sitting in it.  I watch the car to see if the person is watching me.  I absolutely hate that feeling!